Learn When to Go at a F$%*ing Four-Way Stop

Okay maybe this is a little confusing. We’re talking about stopping, but we’re telling you when to go. That’s because stopping, and then going, at a four-way stop (also called an “all-way” stop, but only by imprecise freaks) is apparently challenging for a lot of you. So we’ve decided to help you out.

As with many of the principles here on LearnToFuckingDrive.com, these may seem like suggestions or nice rules of thumb, when in fact they are fucking rules. And fucking rules on the fucking road are generally fucking laws.

The Rules of Four-Way Stops:

1. The first one to stop goes first. SO much of the confusion would be avoided if you people would just follow this rule. Did you get there first? Then go. No? Then wait. Go in the order you arrived. This is honestly so simple we feel dumber just putting it in writing. But you leave us no choice. Thanks for making us stupid.
2. Right goes first. If two vehicles arrive at exactly the same time, then the vehicle furthest to the right goes first. It’s not hard. If three cars get there at the same time…the furthest to the right goes first. Then the next to the right, and then the furthest left goes last. You’re wondering what happens if all four arrive at the same time? Seriously? Have you ever seen this happen? Well, in that case no-one goes. You all just sit there and grow old together. Forever.
3. Straight, then Right, then Left. If two cars arrive opposite of each other, at the same time, the car going straight has right of way (obviously this only matters if the other one is turning left). Similarly, if one of those cars is turning right, and the other is turning left, the car turning right has the right of way, and goes first. Short version: If you’re going left, you’re going last. Memorize that. Sing yourself to sleep with that little ditty every night.

Now, as simple and clear as that is, some of you have questions. More of you still won’t do it right. So here are some other helpful tips:

What Not To Do At a Four-Way Stop:

• Don’t guess. Pay attention. If you showed up at the intersection and weren’t paying attention, and therefore don’t know who arrived in what order… well, we wish we could tell you just to turn off the car, get out, and sit on the curb until someone comes to pick you up. But really what you should do is just tolerate the frustrated looks you’re getting from the other drivers, and let them all go before you. You deserve it.
• Don’t be a dick. Now… this is a general rule. But in this situation it means: Don’t jump the order. Don’t just go because you see a space and you’re an impatient asshole. Wait your fucking turn. Could you gun it, and force your way into the flow of things? Probably. Would anyone do anything to stop you? Probably not, because people are generally willing to let assholes just be assholes and not get involved. But you know in your heart you’re an asshole. Santa is watching. And he’s crying. He hates you. And the hate makes him sad. Are you happy now asshole?
• Don’t wave people through when it’s your turn. Kindness is admirable. Generosity is a wonderful trait. But not going when it’s your turn just slows everything down. You’re not helping us by waving everyone through. You’re delaying the process and breaking the order of things. Nature abhors a vacuum. You are that vacuum. Nature abhors you.

Okay… let’s review. Go in the order you got there. Furthest right first. Straight, then right, then left turns. That’s really it. Now you have no excuse. Get out there and do it right. Was it Thoreau who said, “Go confidently in the direction of your dreams”? Or was it Frances McDormand in “Almost Famous?” Anyway… you get the idea.