Learn to Get the F$%* Out of the Way


Here are some suggestions that don’t fall into other specific categories, but which are important to state nonetheless.

Don’t park in the middle of the street and wait for someone to come out while you honk.

Park in an actual space, and then get off your ass and go ring the doorbell. Hey, it’s the 21st century! You could call their cell phone and let them know you’ve arrived! What you don’t need to do is just sit like an idiot in your car and wake up everyone in the neighborhood by laying on your horn. Figure it out.

Don’t take up more spaces than you need.

Whether parallel parking, parking in a lot, or just parking somewhere that’s not lined or designated…don’t take up more fucking room than you need. Oh, you’re driving a Maserati and you’ve taken up four spaces in the grocery parking lot because you don’t want to get door dings? We don’t give a fuck about your fucking car. If you can’t drive it considerately, leave it the fuck home.

Don’t drive slowly while you look for an address, or a parking spot, or your dog, or whatever the fuck you’re looking for.

If you don’t know where it is, call someone who does, or stop and look at your phone’s map, or park and get out to investigate. But don’t just tool along at 5 mph while you scan the horizon for indications of your desired goal.

Don’t double park because you’re “just going to be a second.”

You know what? We could all “just be a second” if we weren’t fucking waiting for you to get out of the fucking way. Park your fucking car where it’s supposed to be, then get off your lazy ass and walk into the store, or your friend’s house, or wherever the fuck you need to be.

Don’t execute some illegal maneuver just because you missed your turn or finally found your destination.

We get it, you really really want to go that way, or be there. So do we. If you miss your turn, do not just randomly throw a u-turn in the middle of the road, or slam on your brakes while you figure out what to do. Keep driving, look for the next opportunity to turn or stop (out of everyone else’s way), and then either turn around, or circle the block, or do whatever you need to do without holding up everyone else or endangering our lives while you do it. Just have some fucking self-awareness, okay? Here… we know Louis CK is in hot water right now, and rightfully so. But he nails our point in this clip:

There are other people out here. You are not more important than them. Keep moving. If you can’t, then get the fuck out of the way.

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